I have been longing to write to you, since before my mind knew that the ache in my chest was longing. I thought that I must suffer under the weight of deep convictions of goodness and joy, pressing out against my innermost parts, evoking misplaced rage. Oh but if only I had known that it is not suffering but immense love, far greater than a young soul could articulate; love of all that is good and right and pure, in such magnitude that it must be expelled, or else I die under the weight of it all. It is the breath of love that crafted me into being that compels me. Exhaust me of this pressure, empty me, so that I might be light, that I might stand carefree and float above treetops, looking upon all that is good and beautiful.
Waiting for you, my breath is held captive at the thought of your embrace. Oxygen deprived from my lungs and what was once beauty and joy becomes death for lack of expression. Expressed love gives life, love withheld suffocates the promises of today.
There is life in this drudgery; I must find it. I know, because I have tasted of it, at times. I have licked the plate clean of its nourishment and senses come alive, and caught my breath in exhilarating jubilee. Breathe in, deeply now. What is this life then, that it evades me all these days, but love withheld, closeted away in anticipation for a better day.
A better day; someday it comes, or so we think. We wait in anticipation for the better days when all that has been pressed down, preserved in a cocoon of temporal rationale with hands that do not comprehend the brevity of this earthly expression.
Tear down these fleshy barriers that feel like steel closing in. A touch, soft as a feather falling to the earth, from the fingertips of my beloved would shatter these barriers and release the floods of decades past. Lies of a better day, someday, hung love with a noose that crushed the pathways of life and living; of loving. Colors were less vivid as the source of life emptied into darkness.
Oh but truth, sweet merciful truth beckons life today. She sings a song passed down from the heavens, her falsetto crumbles the cocoon, shreds the noose, and all that was suffocation bursts forth in life and light. A painful shedding of misconceptions that love is for another day, and then, life anew.
Today, I write to you, my love; I will delay no longer. Now I see that it is not someday that I could love you, but it was always Today. Today my heart beats with a rhythm strong and true. Today there is beauty in the seen and unseen; the adventure of life and new mercies.
It was always you, my Love; it was always Today. Now my heart’s eyes can see.
~I began writing this through overwhelming love that I felt for a man, upon discovering he had lied nearly every day of our relationship. I still felt the love, and thought I ought to allow the energy out, but as the words came, I realized that my overwhelming sense of love has always, fundamentally been, the Lord. My God, whom I allowed the allure of another to pull me away from.
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