2024

As 2024 rapidly comes to an end, I am not sure that there has ever been a year that I was more relieved to see end. I traversed the deepest parts of hell on earth through these past months, and still grieve. It is not as if the transition from December 31 to January 1 has some magic cure-all potion; although wouldn’t that be nice! This past year ended with hateful words from people I had striven to honor as best I could with the limited and false knowledge and access I was given, yet expected to to behave as if I had full access to the truth that was withheld from me. Although, had I known the truth, I would not have given any of it the time of day; but they knew that. My logical brain and my heart bleeding out swirled in a torrent of lies, love, doubt, deception, hope, and a tenacious need to give people the benefit of the doubt, because isn’t that what Christ did for me? I became unlike myself, a shell. I lashed out, I looked for bandaids in distractions, quickly discarded. I begged God for death. I contemplated the likelihood of a swift turn into a light pole or tree off the highway; would I be guaranteed death or curse my children with a crippled mother? I wondered at what it would take to pull the trigger on my Glock; certainly that would end the darkness, the agony, the grasping for solid ground, the anguish of hope deferred so many years then promised and ripped away. I knew that one of my magazines was faulty and the chalk had rubbed off from the last time I shot at the range to let me know which one; then what. 

These thoughts and more littered my 2024. How tragic for me to think I could be so selfish, having lost my own father at a young age, that I should allow myself to go to such dark places that I thoughtfully, and in detail consider removing myself from my children. I reasoned that now that their father was seeing them regularly, and they had a stepmom, that truly I was only the provider of funds, the workhorse, the utilitarian contributor. I would not be missed, ultimately. I went through the details of my life insurance policies and will with my brother and my ex husband, reassuring them that if anything happened to me, the children would not be for want or need.  

I have never known such hell in spite of my life riddled with death and loss. 

A dear friend, many states away, more than once, while I was crying out to God, somehow heard his prodding and she sent encouragement to me. God never sent anyone to hold me as I wept and wailed, but these virtual touches came at times from multiple saints and I must cling to what he gives me, for I have nothing else, but his promises yet unfulfilled. She sent me the below, words I had used to encourage her two years ago, a version of myself I no longer recognize. I do not know who I have become, but this broken, needy woman, desperately clinging to the cloak of my Savior begging for mercy day and night. Prior to the entanglement, for lack of a better description, I had been alive. I was the woman who got up for pilates at 6am, who refused to let a spinal condition limit my living of life, who made homemade meals, laughed with abandon, showered regularly, poured into others with zeal, felt the romance of God in an evening stroll, and hungered to get lost in an adventure and return to share what I learned with those I love. I was the woman who danced (ungracefully but joyfully) in her kitchen to the same Michael Buble songs she had listened to a thousand times, while the aroma of a homemade meal simmered and held the anticipated delight in sharing the feast with those she loved.

Note from Caroline on Facebook December 2022

Wow, I had that revelation quite some time ago...that I have not loved myself well. God crafted yours and my body, mind, personality, spirit with care and a uniqueness that is not repeated. I felt convicted to take better care over this body and show it more compassion, because it is HIS. You, [my friend], are the only you that he created for a very unique purpose. He lovingly crafted every part of you. And because you are a magnificent creation, there will be those who will want to consume the good in you, but not contribute because their aim is ultimately selfish. And it is our responsibility to care for ourselves so that we can discern the consumers from the contributors. I am praying that this upcoming trip will be a beautiful reprieve, and that you will see yourself as Jesus sees you. Have an amazing time and let me know how it was and how God reveals your worth to you!!!

But here is the theme of my life, that at this moment, I begrudgingly recognize; some people are destined for more sorrows than the average person. And it is through those sorrows, that when we find ourselves on the other side, under the tutelage of a benevolent Father, we learn to minister all the more to the broken and hurting. I loathe that I buried my sister and the last images of her bloodied and broken body haunt me, but I am so honored to sit with others in their grief and hold their hand. I longed for a loving father, and not one who left bruises on my mom for all to see and scars on my heart, but how sweet to hold a sister in Christ who has had a hand raised against her. I still live with the consequences of my former husband’s decisions, but I am honored to sit with unstoppable women who will not give up on their children. And now, I know another horror, one that still brings me to my knees in anguish as I pour it out before the Lord; and someday he will use it for his good. 

If 2024 taught me anything, it is the reality of spiritual warfare. The enemy does have dominion over this earth and roams about seeking to destroy all that is good and of God. He is an unoriginal foe and his days are numbered. I imagine he knows his days are temporary and like anyone in desperation would, we seek to gather and cling to whatever we can; and in his case, he seeks to destroy with a voracity of desperation. The family, being God’s institution, is his greatest adversary; the place where godliness can be passed from generation to generation. How better to destroy an army of God than to take out the leader, the man who God chose as head. And thus began my present battle. I am praying for every father, every man that I know who has brought harm to his wife, his children, his parents, his siblings, his lover, his friends, to those who he promised to lead well. I am filled with compassion that they have a target on their head from the most unscrupulous, insidious purveyor of evil and destruction to ever be. And as faithful as he is, God has brought up women of faith I have been able to pray with and for, and be blessed by their prayers as we join forces in this battle. I would be remiss if I forgot that once he takes out the leader, he will turn his hungry ugly head on the second in command, the woman. He will stop at nothing to bring destruction. Yet, God’s word reminds us that greater is he who is in us than he who is in the world.

Where God’s word was once a means to know God better, to reparent myself from a dysfunctional childhood that left deep lies in my soul of my worth, and to encourage those I love, I am now deeply aware of the need for God’s word in WHOLE to combat the enemy who wants to ravage my family and yours. He knows God’s word better than you or I. He has had much longer to study the Lord and ourselves. And how wicked that he should come as an angel of light, bringing some truth but perverting it for his gain. 

In 2024, I was promised whole love and the beauty of goodness and godliness lived out in a committed, marriage bound relationship, the longings of my heart with someone who felt like a kindred spirit I adored. Instead, I was given death and destruction, but in these final days I am reminded that it is wholly God who can ever be my hope. Though he slay me, yet I will trust in him.

Are you tired of your former ways? Are you sick of seeing the enemy win against good within yourself and amidst those you love? Then as we enter 2025, will you join me in prayer?

Heavenly Father, creator of the universe, Lord of time and circumstance, will you hear your children cry out to you? Make our thoughts your thoughts, and our ways your ways; break us if you must that we not rely on our own understanding. We lift up to you the hurting and ask that you be their comforter, show up in sweet ways that cannot be passed off as coincidence, but in a mighty way speak of your faithfulness and your care for the least of these. Lord, we bring before you those in bondage to sin, to addiction, to influence from the enemy, to their own minds that hold them captive, break these strongholds! Bring clarity of mind and a hunger for your word that the attacks of the enemy would fall pitiful and defenseless to the ground. Bring those who would cause destruction to true repentance that they might experience the liberation of our God, for we know that you wish for none to perish. Remove the wool from our spiritual eyes as we seek truth and goodness. Show us the darkness and the sin within us, so that we might repent and find life. May we raise our hands in praise as we seek to pour our whole selves out to you, as your Son did on Calvary for these wretches who would betray you time and time again.  Raise up men of God, tired of the games of the enemy, who will unwaveringly sacrifice their will at the foot of the cross. Embolden the women to approach your throne, hearts willing and hands lifted high, sacrificing our ways to you and allowing you to be Lord of our hearts. Protect the hearts and minds of the innocent and use men and women sold out for you to disciple all children in your ways. Bring restoration as only you can, and give us eyes to see your works so that we would not be discouraged as small minded and simple as we are. Remind us to praise you as we see these blessings of redemption and restoration, and give us endurance to praise you even when it storms and we cannot see. We lift up each man, woman, and child to you, would our utterings turn to shouts of praise. You are the God who sees, and while it threatens to break us, this life and this world is not our home, set our eyes on you and that better day that is coming. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.